What happens is that when you “do your addition” (work, porn, any addiction), you feel better so it takes some edge off the underlying… pain, tension, whatever it is. That’s why getting into the “addiction cycle” (wanting to do things, then when you feel anxious as you withdraw, you want to do it more and again, but more this time) is so easy. The underlying thing “pulls you into” the cycle.
Once you discover any underlying causes, need to try to address those first.
Some ways to find the underlying problem:
Here’s one way to find them, do this like 1/week for awhile. Until patterns emerge, basically.
You’ll be writing it to “your wife” (in theory) but she never needs to read it, basically it’s to “dive deeper”
The other way is this listening system, it requires a buddy to introspect you:
this google doc
“The “if they hurt” listening pattern template” can help (it’s a work in progress of a bigger system LOL).
Therapy, if you can find a therapist who’s actually willing to try and “dig deep” enough to find it. Some forms of therapy help more, some less, try out a few different therapists.
Once you actually identify the root of the problem…I don’t know exactly how to proceed, but knowledge is power. To fix it.
Feel like your parents didn’t raise you well? That they didn’t treat you as valuable? Repeat every day while doing breathing exercises “I am already valuable”
This guy: https://www.facebook.com/pg/thebobgardner/posts/?ref=page_internal
seems to have a hypothesis that if you figure out “what’s the matter” then you can find an environment where you feel “the opposite” and kind of…”do that” more. So in my case, an environment where I feel “valued” by those around me or what not. Loved, etc.
But all still prototypes, not sure.
Once you do these things for a few weeks, you’ll find the draw of the attraction diminishes. Now you’re ready to try and kick it.
That part I also don’t quite know how to do yet. Current hypothesis: make a list of “good” or “relaxing” things you “are allowed” to do, try and stick to that list each day?
Another hypothesis: interrupt the “chain” of events that leads you to do some of your old habits. Watch for when you fall and detect the pattern, it might look like “first I see the computer, then I sit down, then I login, then I whatever” so it’d be interrupt any one of those steps, even if it’s just “put a timer in front of the computer so I have to wait for it for 4 minutes before logging in” it may help disrupt the flow.
Ideas? Leave comments below.